What Makes a Man
by Absolutely Arsenic
Summary: Mello is Female-to-Male transgender. This is a story showing his struggles, and how they shaped him to become the man we all know him as. No pairing.
1. Chapter 1

The alarm clock blared, throwing Mello from his slumber. The fourteen-year-old moaned, reaching a hand out from under the blankets to find the offending machine. As he turned it off, he moaned into his quilt.

_I do not want to get up today._

He threw his pajamas to the floor, searching in his closet for something comfortable. When he was satisfied with his clothes, he took a quick look in the mirror before leaving. His eyes were immediately drawn to his chest. _Yup. Still there._

* * *

"Hey Mello, want my milk?" asked Matt. "I asked for orange juice but they gave me milk instead." He waved the carton in the air.

They were sitting in the dining room, eating breakfast. Mello stopped drizzling chocolate sauce on his pancakes to look over at his friend.

"No thanks. You know I don't like milk."

"Alright, I'll just throw it out. Ready for the physical today?"

The blond made a noise of disgust.

"I hate physicals. Stupid nurses, poking and prodding my body. I know I'm healthy. If something was wrong with my body, I'd be perfectly capable of telling the doctor myself. I don't need someone else telling me whether my body's right or not." He slurped juice through his straw. He didn't need to add that he knew there was something wrong with his body, that he _wanted _to tell a doctor of some sort and get it fixed, but that he simply couldn't.

"I know, right? It's such a waste of time."

Truth be told, Mello knew that the physicals were necessary. There was probably some protocol in whatever laws governed the orphanage that said they had to have physicals. But to state this would mark him as uptight. It was uncool, even among gifted children, to try to understand the adults' point of view.

However, just because they were necessary didn't mean he had to like them. He hated physicals. How could he not – it was a slap in the face to hear how he wasn't growing, how he wasn't gaining weight. And to hear his name. Oh, that name – _Margaret. _If he had to be stuck with a girl's name, at least he'd like to be stuck with something prettier. Margaret sounded like some cantankerous old lady. _Disgusting._

* * *

There was a nice breeze in the air, and some boys were outside playing football. The kids at Wammy's weren't known for being athletic, but they could still put up a pretty good fight when they were bored enough to bother. One of them waved to Mello.

"Hey, Mello! Wanna be team captain?"

_Any other day I'd jump at the chance, but… I just don't feel myself today._ He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Eh, not today. Thanks anyway!"

As he turned to walk away, he heard the voices chattering softly behind him. Bits and pieces of conversation floated over to him.

"…probably scared. Can't… beat us…. Girl."

Mello stopped in his tracks when he heard the g-word, clenching his fists. He turned on his heel and walked back over to the boys. Their faces dropped.

"Which one of you was talking about me?"

No one said anything, but the direction of their glances made it clear that the culprit was Ever, a redhead who Mello had only exchanged a few words with during his whole time at Wammy's. Mello stepped over to him, clapped a hand on his shoulder.

"And what exactly makes you think you can talk like that about me?"

"I didn't say nothin'! Honest!"

"You said I was scared. Because I was a girl. Isn't that right?" He dug his nails into the smaller boy's skin.

"I just thought… because you didn't want to be captain…"

"You thought wrong." He shoved Ever, hard, nearly throwing him to the ground. "What do I have to do to prove myself around here? I'd think you would all know by now that I don't take that shit." He took another step closer, and Ever cringed. "What? _Now _you respect me? Who's scared now? I know it's not me."

Ever stumbled back, regaining his balance. His face changed drastically as he tried to figure out what to say. He sneered.

"But… y-you're a girl! I don't have to be afraid of a girl!"

...

_Crack!_

That was the sound of Mello's knuckles crashing into Ever's face. The other boys started yelling, one ran for an adult. Ever started crying. _What a wimp. It's his own fault. He's disgusting._ Upon that realization, Mello felt another rage wash over him, and kicked the redhead where he was laying on the ground. Again and again.

"Don't call me a girl!" he screamed. "_Don't call me a fucking girl!"_

Hands grabbed his shoulders, yanked him back. Mello's head whipped around to see Roger pulling him from behind. Immediately he knew that the fight was over. There was nothing he could do now but submit and wait for punishment. Crossing his arms, he allowed the older man to lead him away by the wrist.

* * *

The two of them sat in Roger's office. Mello sat in a large armchair in front of the desk, arms still crossed over his chest. He felt his breasts against his arm, which only reminded him of how upset he was. How dare that boy call him a girl? How dare he imply that Mello was somehow _less _than him? As if being born with a vagina made you weak! As if he were less of a man because he had breasts! Disgusting! Mello glowered at Roger, angry that he'd been pulled away. It had to be like that. No fighting. It kept chaos from erupting. But he hated it.

Roger sat across from him at the desk, fingers steepled. He looked at Mello with a degree of curiosity, as though he couldn't understand what could have provoked him to violence.

"So why did you punch him?"

"He called me a girl," Mello muttered, looking away.

"Speak up."

"_He called me a girl."_

Roger nodded, leaned back in his chair.

"Mello, I know that this is a very touchy matter with you. But what you have to realize, what I've been trying to tell you, is that you _are _a girl. That doesn't mean that you're weak, and it doesn't mean you're dumb. Girls can do anything that boys can do, and vice versa. The word 'girl' isn't an insult. It's a description. An accurate one."

"No, Roger, you're wrong. I _know _girls can do anything boys can do. I know it's not an insult. I know all that. But what_ is_ an insult is someone deliberately ignoring your gender identity despite the fact that you've explained it to them multiple times. Which is what you're doing. Your ignorance is insulting to me." He got up, scowling. "I may be under your care and training, but I have a right to be listened to. I won't talk to you about this until you educate yourself." He started for the door.

"He didn't even know that you want to be a boy, did he? I'm the only one you've told."

Mello stopped, but didn't give Roger any respect by facing him.

"It doesn't matter." _None of it matters. _Mello let the door swing shut behind him, not letting anyone see his eyes go glassy with tears. _None of it matters. _

He found himself running down the hallways to his room, his bare feet smacking against the wood. Eventually he got to his room and leapt onto his bed, huddling up against the wall.

_He doesn't get it. He doesn't fucking get it. I've told him I'm a boy. He knows. He just won't acknowledge it. What, because I'm second-best, my identity doesn't matter? If Near claimed to be a girl, would his identity be respected?_ He slammed his fist into the pillow until his hand hurt.

There was a knock on the door.

"Go the fuck away."

"It's me," Matt's voice called.

"I don't want to talk, come back later."

"I know. They just sent me to tell you to come down for your physical."

_Shit, I forgot._

"Fine, I'll be down in a minute."

As he heard Matt's receding footsteps, he exited to room and started walking down to where the physicals were being held. A visiting nurse looked him up and down, then glanced at her clipboard.

"You're Margaret Keehl?"

Mello made a noise that neither confirmed nor denied that fact.

"Okay, let's start."

About half an hour later, Mello left feeling utterly embarrassed. As if he wasn't aware of the issues his body presented. He didn't need some nurse to tell him that he wasn't healthy. Her words rung in his brain. "You're too skinny, dear, you need to eat more." He didn't tell her that if he ate more, his boobs would get bigger. That seemed to be the place he gained weight first, his chest. Ever since hitting puberty a few years ago. The less he ate, the less curves he had, the less chance he had of being mistaken for a girl. End of story.

When he went back up to his room that night, he took his shirt off and looked in the mirror. _Still there. I wish I could just remove them._ He curled up under the blankets. Being so angry earlier had exhausted him. _I want to be happier but they're all just so fucking stupid. I hate them._

_I hate them._

_I hate me._


	2. Chapter 2

"Look at her. No, don't _look _at her, you idiot! She'll beat you up!"

"Oh god! You really think so?"

"Girls don't fight like that. I bet she's actually a guy."

Mello smirked at some of the comments he heard around the halls. _Maybe coming out won't be so hard after all. They already think I might be a guy._ The lunch bell had just rung, but he wasn't eating. He was going to the nurse's office.

The nurse they had at Wammy's was different from the visiting one that had given the physicals the day before. Ms. Blanche was a cheerful young lady with stick-straight black hair. She was sweet, but a bit too ditsy to be good at her job, Mello thought. Thankfully, that meant she didn't to care all that much about Mello's weight.

"Hello, dear. Is there something you need?"

_This will be easy._

"I think I sprained my ankle playing football," he told her, sitting on one of the cots. "Could you please wrap it?" Lying was coming easier and easier to him. He lied every day about being a girl, after all, this was nothing.

"Of course!" She reached into the cabinet and pulled out an ace bandage. "You kids need to be more careful. Always coming in here with bumps and bruises…"

By the time he was done at the nurse's office, lunch was nearly over. He didn't have enough time to go up to his room and figure it out. Instead, he simply slid his pant leg over the wrapped, completely fine ankle and ran off to his next class.

* * *

Math had never been Mello's favorite subject. He was amazing at it, he just hated it. It was too rigid for his liking. He liked the subjects where you could be a little more creative. Even chemistry was better than math, because they could come up with their own experiments to perform in class. But he was stuck in pre-calculus. At least his math teacher was nice. Mr. Klamp wasn't young, but he was still enthusiastic about teaching, which Mello admired. It was obvious that the man loved his job, and Mello hoped that when he was that old, he'd feel the same way. Unfortunately, many of the kids made fun of Mr. Klamp, because even though he had never admitted it, most of them could tell that he was gay. Mello could identify with that, only he was hiding both his sexuality and his gender. It made him like his math teacher even more. In any case, Mr. Klamp was the only reason Mello paid any attention in math.

"Keep your heads up, kids, class is almost over."

Mello placed his elbows on his desk and propped his head up against his arms. He was in the front row of the class. He was in the front row of every class, actually, having been labeled as a "problem child".

After receiving their homework, most of the kids left before the bell rang. As Mello was piling up his books, Mr. Klamp stood by his desk.

"Mello, are you alright? You weren't very focused today. I heard what happened yesterday with Ever."

_Should I just tell him? I may as well – I'll be coming out to the staff here eventually. Might as well start with the nicest person._

"Mr. Klamp, are you aware of what the students here say about you?"

The teacher looked a bit thrown off by this.

"Yes, well, they say that I'm gay, and they're not wrong but I don't see-"

"Do you ever get tired of not saying anything? Of lying about your sexuality?"

"Well, I don't think that's really lying. It's just withholding information."

"Fine. But do you get tired of withholding information?"

"Yes, sometimes I wish I could be more open. Why? Are you going through something similar?"

"Actually yes… I'm gay too. But not in the way you think. I am not a lesbian. I am a gay man. I am female-to-male transgender, and I am gay. And you and Roger are the only ones who know."

Mr. Klamp blinked a few times. Clearly he had not been expecting a confession like this.

"Um… Mello, I'm honestly not sure what to say, other than that I'm proud of you for being brave enough to tell me this and that you have my support completely. Are you thinking of, you know, transitioning?"

"At some point, yes." He ran a hand through his hair, which was tied back in a messy ponytail. "You'll call me by the right pronouns when I do, right?"

"Of course. And if you ever need advice on the topic, my boyfriend is actually FTM as well. He recently had sexual reassignment surgery, and he's talked about how he wants to help transgender kids. He loves kids. I'm sure he'd be willing to answer any questions you have."

Mello couldn't believe his luck. _I actually have someone I can go to about this? That is so cool… _He was already thinking of things he wanted to ask, to learn about. Was surgery a good option? Was the adult world more accepting than the teenage world, or vice versa? Does the pain ever go away?

"I… thank you, Mr. Klamp. I don't think I'll be transitioning for a while, but when I do, I'll keep that in mind. Thank you." He got up and left, trying to hide his smile. _I actually told him. And he understood! _He strutted back to his room, more confident than ever that what he was doing was right.

* * *

Locking his door, Mello put on a nearly manic grin. He had been anticipating this moment for so long. He took off his shirt and bra and unwrapped his ankle. The ace bandage had been uncomfortable, and he rolled his foot around to loosen it up. _I'm finally doing this._

He began to wrap the bandage around his chest. His breasts weren't huge, barely a C cup, but they were big enough to make him feel dysphoric. _I'll finally be flat! I'll have a boy's chest! Maybe I could even start packing…_

It took a bit of fumbling, but soon he got the hang of it. By the end his chest was very flat. He ran a hand across the bandage, admiring how he could barely feel his breasts. It wasn't as tight as he expected. He thought it would be hard to breathe, but this… felt nice. Secure. Almost like a hug.

Satisfied, he put his shirt back on. It was baggy, and fell across his newly bound chest in a way he rather liked. It was nice, looking like this. His posture was better, he could walk with his head held high. For the next few hours he read, feeling incredibly comfortable. After that he went to dinner.

Mello had never had a strong connection to people. Perhaps this was why he never felt people staring at him, even when they were. So he wasn't sure whether his newly flat chest was drawing attention until he sat down next to Matt. It wasn't hard to see the reaction on his friend's face.

"Oh, hey Mello. Um, you look different."

Mello smirked. At least he'd get a good teasing out of this.

"How so?" He cocked his head to the side.

Matt blushed a bit. _He won't admit that he's used to looking at my boobs._

"You're sort of…" He vaguely motioned to his chest.

"Flat? I'm wearing a sports bra. They do that. You wouldn't know." He sat down crossed his legs at the knee. _Wait. I need to stop doing that. My mannerisms are too girly. _He uncrossed them and sat normally. The ace bandage was a bit uncomfortable now. Mello chalked it up to the fact that it was hotter in the dining room than it was in his bedroom. "Oh look, here's the food."

As they ate, the bandage seemed to get a bit tighter. _This feels a bit weird. Why didn't that website tell me that it would hurt? _He frowned. _Well, I have to wait until dinner's over. It would be weird if I left and came back with boobs. I'll just wait until dinner's over._

"Mello, you okay? You don't seem very talkative."

"Yeah. I'm just really hungry." He tried to sigh, but found that it was very difficult to draw in a deep breath. Taking only shallow breaths was making him feel lightheaded.

"Are you sure?" asked Matt. He looked seriously worried about his friend. "You seem sort of shaky. Maybe you should go lie down."

"Matt, I'm seriously fine." He laughed, then coughed a bit. The coughing turned into a bit of a fit, and he couldn't control it. _Shit, what's happening? Am I sick?_

"I think you should go to the nurse," said Linda, who was sitting a few seats away. "That's a nasty cough you have."

"I'm…" He wheezed. "I'm fine. My water must have gone down the wrong pipe or…" –_cough- "_something. Ugh, this hurts." He put his head down, hiding his face.

"We need to get you to the nurse," he heard Matt say. "Look, you're sick as a dog. Come on." He tried to pull Mello away by the arm, but was shaken off. "Mello, don't be stubborn."

Mello stood up and took another deep breath. Evidently that was too much for the bandage, because he heard a small _clink _as the metal clip holding it together fell to the floor. _Oh no!_

The bandage started to unravel, the end falling down his back and out the bottom of his shirt.

"What's that?" asked Matt.

"_Nothing! _I-I mean, it's nothing to be concerned about. I'm gonna go back to my room for a bit." He placed his hand awkwardly on his back to hold the bandage inside his shirt.

"Mello, you're sick." Matt ran over and grabbed his arm. "I'm not leaving you alone if you're sick!"

As Mello's best friend pulled his arm, his hand came away from his back. The remainder of the ace bandage fell out.

By this point every person in the dining room was staring. Mello crossed his arms over his bra-less chest and ran.

"What is that?" someone asked.

"It looks like a bandage."

"I saw Mello getting her ankle wrapped today."

"Then why was it in her shirt?"

Trying not to listen to them, Mello bolted down the halls, holding his chest in place as he ran. _No. No no no. That can't have just happened._

He slammed the door to his room and immediately started crying. _I can't believe I was that stupid. So stupid…_

"Mello, open up!" Matt knocked on the door. "I won't take you to the nurse, I just want to talk!"

_I have to come out to him now. There's no other way I can explain it._

Wiping away a few tears, Mello opened the door.


	3. Chapter 3

"So um… are you going to explain that?" asked Matt. The two of them were sitting on Mello's bed, not looking at each other.

"Matt… I should have told you."

"Told me what? The reason that an ace bandage fell out of your shirt?"

_Damn. Everyone must know what it was then. Do they know I was binding? That's the most obvious explanation._

"The reason it was in my shirt in the first place. I, y'see, I bound my chest. To make my boobs look smaller."

Matt ignored the fact that Mello had lied to him about wearing a sports bra. Instead he finally turned to face his friend. Mello felt himself turning red under the other boy's gaze.

"Why? Are you self-conscious? You don't have to be, you know. I think you're really pretty."

Mello moaned a little, uncomfortable with the praise.

"That's kind of the issue. I don't want to be pretty. I want to be handsome. I'm a guy, on the inside. I'm transgender."

Matt drew in a long breath, putting a hand to his chin and narrowing his eyes in thought. Mello fidgeted a bit as the silence stretched out. _He must be mad. He's my best friend, I really should have told him first. God damn it, why did I tell Roger first? Matt's more important than he is, right? _A terrifying thought crossed his mind. _Oh no. What if he acts the way Roger did? What if he doesn't believe me, or respect it? I don't want to lose my best friend. I can't lose my best friend…_

Matt placed his hand on top of Mello's and squeezed it.

"Matt… what are you-"

"I'm really glad you told me."

Mello blinked. His friend still wasn't looking at him.

"So you're not… you're not mad, right? I know I should have told you sooner but-"

"Mello, just shut up. I need to process this." He closed his eyes.

The blond boy clammed up. He wasn't sure why Matt was holding his hand, but the implications of it made him blush.

"So you identify as a boy?"

"Yes."

"So I've been friends with a guy this whole time?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

Matt finally turned to face him. Tears were brimming in his eyes.

"G… goddammit, Mello. I just… you don't even know…"

"What? I don't know what?"

"You seriously never figured it out."

"Never figured _what _out, Matt?" Mello asked, getting a little agitated. He had never been good at comforting people, and seeing Matt cry was not helpful in this situation.

"I've been in love with you for over a year. And you never figured it out. I've been in love with a _guy. _All this time. I never knew. I mean, I actually assumed you were a lesbian, but a guy…" He shook his head. "I never would've even guessed…"

Suddenly the fact that they were holding hands seemed a bit odd. Mello inched his hand away, a bit uncomfortable.

"I'm… sorry?" he said. _What am I even supposed to say? That I don't feel the same? That I'm sorry for screwing up his idea of who I was? _

Matt wiped away the last of his tears.

"No, it's not your fault. I'm just, I'm freaked out, is all."

"Because I'm a freak?"

"No. _No. _Mello, you're not a freak. It's because, well… I just want you to be happy, all right?" He took a deep breath. "And if being a boy is what makes you happy, then damned if I'm going to get in the way of that." He nodded decisively and stood up. "Anyone bothers you about this, I'll tear 'em down good. You deserve that. You deserve to be happy." He walked to the door. "I'm gonna go now, okay? I need to think about this. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Matt-"

The door closed before he could get another word out. Mello buried his head in his hands. _Now I can't even go to him. I don't want to upset him. In love with me – how stupid is he? Developing feelings for such a freak – that's just a bad move from the start._ He felt his body shaking, he was so upset. _Did I just lose my best friend?_

He wiped his tears, and changed into a t-shirt and boxers to go to bed. _I can't cry. I'll never be taken seriously if I'm this much of a wimp. I… I have to come out now. I don't have a choice. And if I'm going to come out, then god damn it, I'm going to be taken seriously._

* * *

"Hey Mello, what was with that stunt in the cafeteria yesterday?"

"Yeah, what was up with that?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Mello muttered.

"But-"

"Shut up and read your book!" he snapped at the two girls, who immediately looked back down at the books in question.

They were all sitting at a table in the library, where Mello was attempting to get some homework done. He loved the library on days like this, with the sun filtering in through the windows. It was bright and warm, and smelled of books. Mello liked books. He'd decided that if the detective thing didn't work out, he'd become an author instead.

Unable to concentrate on his book report, Mello sighed and got up. He made a beeline for Roger's office.

* * *

"Ah, Mello," Roger said when he walked in. "I was going to call you down later to discuss what happened yesterday. Do you want to give me an explanation for the scene you caused in the dining room last night?"

"Roger, I want to transition."

The old man's smile disappeared. The two of them stared each other down. Normally Mello would have quivered under his stony gaze, but this time, he was filled with resolve – and resentment. _Nothing like anger to bring up your courage._

"I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that," Roger said, dodging the statement. Mello knew his point was clear, he'd talked to Roger about the possibility before.

"I mean I want to be known as a boy from now on. I want people to use male pronouns for me, and I want my name changed on the records. I want a chest binder and a haircut and new clothes, to make it easier to present as male. It's really not that difficult of a request, in my opinion."

"Mello, that's not possible-"

"It is damn well possible. So many people transition successfully, and I want to join them. It's not as though it's never been done before. And it won't change me. I've always been a boy, the only difference is that now people will know. My personality and intelligence will be exactly the same."

"And what do you plan to do if I say no?"

"Then I guess I'll just have to do it myself." He frowned. Why was Roger so intent on making this difficult? "It would be easier with help, but you're not necessary."

"Then perhaps you should do it yourself." He gave Mello a smile that was probably meant to be reassuring, but that the trans* teen found condescending. He struggled to keep his temper in check. "It would be a good project for you, I think, to test your flexibility and resourcefulness."

"Project? You're really reducing my identity to a project? What, are you gonna give me a bad grade if I'm not manly enough?"

"Of course not. I won't give you a grade. It was merely an analogy. What I mean is that it might be something good to stretch your mind. You've been getting bored lately, haven't you? This might be the push you need." He drummed his fingers on the desk. "But you're absolutely sure that this is what you want? You know that if you do it halfway, or change your mind, you'll never be taken seriously again."

Mello pursed his lips, then nodded.

"Yes sir. I won't change my mind. And even if I'm not getting graded, I intend on giving a grade-A performance."


	4. Chapter 4

_Yikes, do they not sell binders anywhere but the internet? _Mello wondered, cringing at the computer screen. He couldn't find any place he could buy a chest binder without paying through a credit card, which he obviously didn't have. _I don't want to settle for sports bras, they're not good enough. Why can't they just sell them in normal stores? _

He bookmarked the store's page and sighed. He'd spent yet another lunch period in his room, alone. He hadn't felt like talking to people much lately. _I guess it's just stress. I haven't been sleeping much either. I hope I'm not getting depressed or something._

The first and hardest obstacle, of course, would be getting the word out to the teachers and students at Wammy's. He had already made a rough draft of an email for the teachers, which he opened now. By the end of the editing, it read,

_Dear (teacher),_

_This is your student, Mello. I am writing this to inform you that I identify as a transgender male, and that I am currently attempting to transition from female to male. This will require the support of my teachers and peers, of course. You can help by using male pronouns when referring to me. I plan on changing my name to something more masculine on the school records, however, as "Mello" is a gender-neutral alias, you can still call me Mello in class. I am requesting that you make the classrooms a safe space for me, and that you not tolerate any bullying or criticism I may receive. I am asking for your help and respect._

_If you have questions or concerns, contact me._

_-Mello_

Before he pressed the send button, he paused, fingers hovering above the track pad of the laptop. _Do I really want to do this? If I send it, I can't take it back. _He bit into his chocolate bar. _No, I already can't take it back. I told Roger I'd be transitioning. I decided to do this the second I said that. _With a quick darting motion of his hand, he clicked the button and the email disappeared.

_I did it. I did it. It's done, and that's it. _He smiled a little. _That wasn't so hard was it? Now I'll just have to get the other students to realize it. _

His next class after that was math, with Mr. Klamp. He couldn't wait to see if his teachers would treat him differently.

As he walked into class, the teacher smiled at him, and he couldn't help but smile back. There was this unspoken understanding between them now, and it made him more confident. _See, Roger? People do understand._

The kids sat down and class started. Mello twirled the long blond hair in his ponytail through his fingers. _I definitely need something shorter. _He continued this until he realized that the gesture reminded him of Near, and stopped. Glancing at Near, he saw that the quiet boy was writing things down in his notebook, and didn't seem to be paying much attention. The teachers didn't call on Near to answer questions often, because doing so always resulted in a correct answer and the groans and mutterings of the other students. So Near was able to get away with not paying attention. Mello, on the other hand…

"Okay, someone come up to the board and show me how to properly use the quadratic function. How about you, Mello?"

Mello held his head high as he went up to the board. It was a simple problem, formulas were no challenge. He half-wished that he'd been given something more interesting. Word problems were nice, extracting the information methodically was calming. This, however, was boring.

"Excellent. Copy that problem into your notes, everyone, as an example."

"Wow, Mello, you're really good at that," said one of the boys as he sat down.

"Yeah," chirped a girl. "Who says girls can't be good at math?" Other students murmured in agreement.

Mello winced a little. _Should I… okay, I'll go for it._

"Actually, even though girls can be good at math," he told her, "that doesn't really apply to me. I identify as male. So please, refer to me as a boy from now on." He went back to writing in his notebook, as if this was perfectly normal and not something for anyone to be weirded out by.

They all gawked at him, save for the teacher. There was a sort of cautious, drawn-out silence, as if the other students weren't sure whether they should pursue the topic or drop it. Mello looked up after a few seconds and glanced around.

"What? Is something the matter?" He figured that it was best to act completely nonchalant about it. If he didn't want anyone to make a big deal about it, it'd be best to give them a neutral emotion to reflect back. And he _definitely _didn't want anyone to make a big deal about it. There was, after all, more to him than his gender. _It's not like I want to become an activist or anything._

"No," he heard Mr. Klamp reply. "Nothing's the matter. So the thing to remember when you're graphing a quadratic function is…"

Mello tuned out. He'd already read this part of his textbook. He turned his attention to doodling on his notes. As green ink flowed from his favorite pen, he was conscious of who had went back to their work, and who was still staring at him. Mr. Klamp was emphatically demonstrating graphing. Near hadn't been paying attention to Mello's confession in the first place, at least, not that he could tell. And Matt… well, Matt wasn't doing much of anything, even though math wasn't his strong point and he really should have been paying attention. Though in this case, Mello could forgive him.

The drawings on the page started as flowers. As he tuned in and out of the lecture, his mind wandered. _What am I going to do if someone says something after class? Will anyone say something? Or are they too afraid of me? I don't want them to be afraid of me… I hope Matt's not afraid of me. I hope he doesn't hate me. What if he hates me? _

He focused back on the paper. The drawings on the page showed the progression of flower drawings to heart drawings. _Hearts? I didn't even realize I was drawing hearts. Why would I be drawing hearts?_

"Mello? Mello, class is over. Didn't you hear the bell?"

The blond looked up from his notebook to find that he was alone in the room with his teacher.

"Huh? Oh, no, I didn't. Guess I was a bit preoccupied," he intoned with a nervous giggle. _God, I sound like such a girl. _He placed the books in his worn brown leather backpack. "Sorry 'bout that." He rose to leave.

"Okay. See you tomorrow. Oh, and Mello?"

"Yeah?"

"Good luck."

Mello felt his cheek grow pink, and nodded.

"Thank you." He could feel his eyes growing misty, and left the room feeling conflicted. About what, he wasn't sure. _This is all so new, I don't even know what I'm supposed to feel. But… I came out. And nobody's said anything. Yet. I know someone will at some point, but for now... for now I've won._

He wanted to get a bath before dinner, and started to make his way up to his room. His feet hardly made a sound as he bounded up the creaky old stairs, just another reminder of how scrawny he was. _Don't think about it. Relish your victory._

"Hey, Mello."

The young man turned around when he heard Linda's voice, a pleasant look on his face. For once Mello was actually… well, mellow.

"Hm?"

"When you said that thing in math… about identifying as a guy or whatever?"

_She's going to commend me on coming out so bravely._

"Yeah?"

"Doesn't that mean you want to be a boy?"

Mello blushed a little. It was hard to explain…

"It's not that I _want _to be a boy, Linda. I am a boy, on the inside. I'm male, it's just that my body isn't. Don't worry, nothing's going to change between our friendship. I've always been a boy, the only difference is that now people know."

"So you've been pretending to be a girl this whole time? Wearing skirts and nail polish and talking about cute boys with us?"

The reddening of his face deepened. He suddenly felt ashamed. _I've been lying this whole time._

"Well…"

"How am I supposed to be friends with someone so dishonest? How could you say nothing's changed in our friendship? A lot has changed. Now I know that the girl I've hung out with for years is really a lying, crossdressing freak."

Mello furrowed his brow, scowling. _Is she serious? _The girl's normally sweet features suddenly seemed condescending with a hint of revulsion. _What the hell is this?!_

"Oh, then, um, I guess we won't be friends," he muttered, quickly turning away. "Hate you too. Bye." He ran up the stairs, not even bothering to look back at his lost friend.

Upon reaching his room, Mello collapsed spread-eagle onto the bed and moaned. He and Linda hadn't been best friends, but still, the fact that he could lose even a minor person in his life because of his gender was a slap in the face. _I guess this is my new reality. I should get used to losing people. It's my own fault. I shouldn't be like this. If I'd figured out my gender sooner, maybe I wouldn't have lived a lie for so long. If I'd just been a little smarter… a little more self-aware… if I can't even figure out whether I'm a boy or a girl, how am I supposed to be a detective?_

_I'm pathetic._

_I'm worthless._

_I'm disgusting._


End file.
